Bell Let’s Talk Day, 2017

January 25th is the annual Bell Let’s Talk Day, where every time you tweet #BellLetsTalk or if you are on the Bell network, every text, donates 5 cents to mental health initiatives around the country. I have friends who are both in support of and against this movement, and they have legitimate reasons for both. For me, I am in full support of it, with maybe a little bit of a caveat. I think that it’s important that we talk about the struggles of mental health in our country, for everyone. I think everyone needs to know that it doesn’t matter what your age, what you socioeconomic background, race, religion, gender, anything, mental health issues do not discriminate.

Bell Let’s Talk Day is designed to get people to talk about mental illness, to raise awareness about it, to de-stigmatize it,  raise money to provide better mental health care for all Canadians. So here’s my little caveat; as important as I think it is for this day to happen, it should be remembered that in order to help de-stigmatize mental illness, the conversation cannot just be this one day a year, it should be all the time. I try to talk about it often here, because I struggle with anxiousness and the more I talk about my struggles, the more I feel like I can take it on because I have other people say to me, “Hey I struggle with that too.” It makes me feel less like I’m alone in my fight. We need to let our fellow humans know that they’re not alone in their fight at every time of the year, not just on Bell Let’s Talk Day.

I’ve heard some people say that Bell shouldn’t “hold their donation hostage” and make people tweet and text, and just give the money. Fair, I can see that side of the argument for sure, and in some ways I agree, but also, part of me disagrees as well. I think the whole idea of this, “tweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk to donate 5 cents to mental health initiatives!” or “if you’re on a Bell network, send loads of texts and every text will donate money” is to actually give people initiative to talk about it that might not otherwise. I know it’s not a perfect system, there are definitely some flaws, but if more people become aware the mental illness does not discriminate, it does not mean that you’re “crazy” or that you’re a “psycho” that it’s okay to talk about, then maybe things will get better. Maybe I’m just an optimist and naïve, but I truly want to be in a world where it’s okay to talk about what you’ve gone through and not be looked at differently.

One of my favourite actresses, someone I thoroughly look up to, has been talking about her fight with mental health lately, and it’s nice knowing that even the people I look up to struggle. Everyone seems to know her as the voice of Anna in Frozen, or that girl who cried over sloths on Ellen, but to me, Kristen Bell, is a wonderful force to be reckoned with. She played Veronica Mars (and if you know anything about me, you know that that is my absolute favourite show, it gives me such comfort when I’m anxious) but she’s also this voice who is speaking up, and it’s nice to here a celebrity talk about their anxiety and depression, and how they refuse to be ashamed of it. She talks so candidly about it in this article on Motto (that you can check out here) and it’s nice to have a person with a voice and has a huge stage talk about mental health. Normalizing it, and trying to take the taboo away from talking about it.

I think we all need to do our part to make this Bell Let’s Talk Day a great one for everyone who struggles. I know that people feel like there are some who only support this initiative on this one day a year, and then do nothing for the other 364 days, but the majority of them are not doing out of malice, but out of ignorance. The more we take the other 364 days of the year and talk about this, the more that people will feel comfortable talking about it, and then the more people who might actually become informed and work towards this brighter future where mental illness is not taboo and people are not “crazy” for struggling. Again I may be an optimist and a bit naïve, but I refuse to let negativity take ahold of this day that brings a little bit more awareness and light to such a heart wrenching and dark topic.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for things like the struggles of the people I love so much, people who I look up to talking about it, and this day made to talk, I might not be as open as I am about my own struggles. I might have kept it buried and away from people. I might have let it consume me and continue to sit in the dark. I’m determined though, to be a brighter light, to be a listening ear, and to be a voice who won’t be ashamed of speaking out for myself and for those who aren’t ready yet to speak out.

So, get your thumbs ready friends, because come this January 25th, I will be tweeting up a storm! #BellLetsTalk

Hello Twenty-Seventeen

Can I just say a big hearty good bye to twenty-sixteen? Good. Bye.

Last year was just one of those years that had such a negative shadow looming over it for a lot of people, and I wasn’t exempt from that. There were some pretty big low moments in twenty-sixteen that when I look back on the year, they will be a part of the painting. Break ups and struggles with my mental health, feeling less than and a few other things. The thing is though, this post, I don’t want it to be all about the lows, because that doesn’t help me move forward. It’s important for me to talk about because they were big parts of the year, but I won’t let it be the only thing I think of when I think of this past year.

I had so many good moments in twenty-sixteen that I think should be celebrated. Some go hand in hand with the bad moments, like the first time I fell in love, and evidently got hurt, or having overwhelming anxiety and learning how to take better care of myself. Sometimes you can’t have the good times without the bad, and sometimes it makes the good times sweeter. I can look at parts of it with such fondness even though some ended in sadness. I can look at the strength I’ve built within myself and know that I made it, even when I didn’t think I could.

So now, I want to celebrate the good moments that I had in twenty-sixteen.

Even though I found out technically at the end of twenty-fifteen, I was officially added as a permanent team member at Chapters, and celebrated a full year of being there. That was really exciting for me, because as much as my past jobs were pretty good, nothing so far has fit me quite as well as this one has. I mean, I get to sell books to people, and talk about them, and for a book lover, that’s pretty much a dream.

I built fantastic friendships with some of my co-workers, and enjoyed their company outside of work. They quickly became some of my favourite people, and a big part of that is because it’s all rooted in a common love of books.

I finally got to go to The Magical World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Florida, which I was incredibly excited about. It was just as magic as I imagined it would be, and I can now check it off of my list of things I wanted to do.

I read quite a few books that were outside of the teen genre, which is my usual genre of choice. I read some non-fiction, some mystery, some fantasy, and more. It was so satisfying to find more books that I was excited about sharing with other people. Some of my favourite reads of the year were The Fate of the Tearling by Erika Johansen, The Queen of Blood by Sarah Beth Durst, Graceling by Kristin Cashore, Jesus > Religion by Jefferson Bethke, The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan, The Girl from The Savoy by Hazel Gaynor, and The Last Immortal by Alex Marlowe.

On top of exploring books, I explored some new movies and tv shows. Some were new, made for this year, and some that have been around for a while and I was late for the party. Some highlights for me were Captain America: Civil War, Dr. Strange, Zootopia, Song of the Sea, Gilmore Girls and Dirk Gently: Holistic Detective Agency.

As silly as it may sound, I bought a dress that made me feel beautiful in a time when I didn’t feel like I was. There’s just something about finding something that makes you feel like how you wish you always felt about yourself and I’m glad I got to find  my ‘feel good’ dress. I almost swear it’s magic.

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I enjoyed my favourite time of year, the summer, having adventures and making so many memories. Enjoying that summer sunshine, the water, and the warmth. Though it was dotted with bad days, there were so many good ones too, so I’ll take it as a victory.

I started to pick up my camera again. After spending a year absolutely having no desire to turn my camera on, to use it as my tool of exploration, it is probably one of my biggest highlights of the year to fall back in love with photography. It’s a part of me that brings me absolute joy, it makes me feel like my soul is actually singing, especially when I catch that shot that I was chasing, or I catch a shot that was better than what I was chasing. I branched out in my photography as well, started to learn how to shoot something other than people, and I loved it. I loved seeing the world through my lens again, and this coming year will be filled with more adventures through it.

Moving into twenty-seventeen, I have many hopes for a better year. I look forward to more personal growth, building friendships, leaving all the bad crap that happened last year there, and moving forward to great things. I want to read more books, write more blogs posts, take more photos, go on more adventures, build more connections. I want to become more confident in myself and my skills, take more risks, and reach out to people that I look up to for advice on how to do better.

To the people I’m leaving behind in twenty-sixteen, it’s a shame we couldn’t work things out, but I think that’s where I’d like to keep you. To those who made it through to twenty-seventeen with me, I’m thankful to have you still here, you make my life a little brighter. To the new people I’ll meet this year, welcome to the wild ride, I’m happy to have you here. The great thing about a new year, is that it’s a great way to start over, and we all know there’s nothing like starting over.

There’s nothing like starting over,
There’s nothing like shedding a heartache,
Writing a new page to say what you wanna say
There’s nothing like a heart wide open,
That bittersweet comfort of knowing
You can let go and take the weight off your shoulders
There’s nothing like starting over

Nothing Like Starting Over by Hunter Hayes

Hello twenty-seventeen, I look forward to seeing what you have in store for me.

Here’s a shout out to you Nova Scotia Teachers

Education is a huge part of our society’s foundation. Without it, we are absolutely lost, and the modern teacher has to deal with so many different things in a run of a day, many of us wouldn’t even know how to begin to deal with it. Honestly, the people who further their education to bring us ours are the pillars of our society, and some of the most important people that help build the future of our province and our world.

Primary teachers and early educators lay the foundation for understanding reading and writing, they are the people who set us up to start being smart, passionate learners. There is a heavy burden on their shoulders, and they do so much for their students. Do you know what I do to pay my bills? I sell books. Do you know how many teachers I see coming into my store buying the best, the newest and the most loved books for their classrooms on their dime? So. Many. I have teachers who know some of the things that their students are loving right now, but are also wondering about some other hidden gems that will captivate their students so that they become lovers of reading.

Children are hungry for education. They crave knowledge, and it’s the responsibility of those who chose to become teachers to bring that, but it doesn’t rest solely on their shoulders. It rests on our government, and honestly, some of the decisions that our current Liberal government of Nova Scotia have done have shown that they don’t care about having bright, intelligent students flourishing here. And you know what, it’s a real shame, because we here in Nova Scotia have the capacity to have these things. A lot of parents I know see the true value and what these teachers are fighting for because what they’re fighting for is for the best of our children, and ultimately the future of this province.

Right now, they’re having a student lock out, and it’s this bass ackwards sort of thinking that is going to hurt our province. With the teachers choosing to do “Work to Rule” while in the midst of contract negotiations with the government instead of a strike, is a way that they can at least continue some education while fighting for competitive pay and better ways to help their students. The way “Work to Rule” for them works is that they show up 20 minutes before classes begin and leave 20 minutes after they end as well as no volunteer supervision over breaks.

I can absolutely guarantee that it devastates our teachers that they can’t do what they need and want to to help our students be safe because of how “Work to Rule” works, but I’ve seen them try to make arrangements to help with that. They don’t want to see anything happen to their students and y’know what, the government acknowledges that this is “unsafe” for students, thus the lockout, but doesn’t want to acknowledge that this is another part of the struggle that these teachers face “on their dime.” Because time is money, and those earlier mornings and later days, where they make sure their students are safe are probably not counted towards their salaries. The extra curricular activities that the teachers do, not counted towards their salaries. Some of the materials that they go out and buy to help get their kids excited about learning, not counted in their salaries. The trips, the sports, the clubs, the plays, the extra help, so many things that these teachers do do not count in their salaries, and that’s not fair. They’re some of the most important people that we have in our society.

I would like to make a call out too, to some of the most influential teachers that I’ve had in my life because I think it’s important to acknowledge and see how teachers affect our everyday lives. These teachers were people who helped foster my love for so many things that ultimately made me the person I am today. They built on my love of the arts, for reading and writing, for technology, and just kept me falling in love with the things that make me happy. I was so lucky to have so many teachers that saw me as an individual student and wanted to help me thrive and grow, even in a class of 30+ students.

So let me begin with Mrs. Kennedy, because holy crap this lady is a power house of awesome. She was one of my drama teachers in high school, as well as one of the volunteer teachers who took me and a group of 20 high school students to Europe. Hours of fundraising on her own time, time away from her family, and even money from her own pocket went into making sure that this trip was absolutely amazing. I tell you now, it was a dream come true for me to visit London and Paris, and Mrs. Kennedy and the many other volunteer teachers helped make that happen.

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First arrived in London in our Hotel before we headed out to Buckingham Palace.

The thing that stands out about Mrs. Kennedy is that as her students, we were her little chicks. She looked out for us, and made sure that we were learning and thriving. What some might not know about drama class is that it isn’t just a “fluff” course, it is designed to help students become more confident, to help explore themselves as individuals as well as an ensemble and time management. When you have a play to put on, there are so many cogs in motion and in order to make it work, everyone has a part to play behind the scenes. You have know to memorize your lines, know your blocking. You have to make sure that if you’re on the props team that you have all of the pieces in order to make it work or if you’re on make up, you need to learn the skills to make stage make up look real. You manage your time between doing what you need to to get the show going as well as all of your other responsibilities outside of the classroom. Drama class was a fun way to get students to learn in a way that didn’t feel like learning and Mrs. Kennedy and every other drama teacher I’ve had made sure we were learning.

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All us students in front of The Apollo Victoria Theatre in London’s West End after seeing Wicked!

Next, Mrs. Thompson who was an art teacher at my high school. I took Digital Art and Culture with her and I’m pretty sure this was the highest mark I have ever received in high school. I can absolutely guarantee that this class gave me many of the skills I needed to continue on my education in photography. In this class I learned how to use photoshop for the first time, and it laid the foundation for being one of the better users of the program while in my college courses. (No joke, I was tutoring my fellow classmates in college because I had this early introduction and love for it.) I’m sure it’s what helped my high school friend (and fellow college friend) move into Graphic Design. Mrs. Thompson made sure that the learning was fun, but also that for those of us who were creative and loved digital media, who might want to pursue it in the future, had the skills to do so. She put up with many of my questions about how to navigate photoshop and even ran the short lived photography club that I went to regularly.

Mr. MacKenzie was one of those teachers that knew his students. I currently work with some of his other past students, and they talk about how awesome he was. He was tough, but fair, and genuinely cared about our education. He was my philosophy teacher, and that was a course that I wasn’t sure if I’d enjoy, but I absolutely loved. We learned about philosophers, critical thinking, and how philosophy affected our modern world. The way that people thought, like Socrates and Plato, Aristotle and more modern philosophers like Kant and Marx, and how they shaped our modern society. This course was a blast, and also listening to Mr. MacKenzie’s stories made it a wonderful class. I remember when Justin Trudeau came to visit our high school, and Mr. MacKenzie pulled some of us from his first semester classes who he thought would really enjoy being apart of this presentation to sit in. It’s little details like that that show that Mr. MacKenzie genuinely cared about his students, just as many of my other teachers.

English was always one of my favourite classes in high school, and we all know how important language arts are. They help us communicate with each other, as well as absorb information by being able to read, understand and evaluate what is being communicated. I had 3 wonderful English teachers in high school, Mr. McGowan, Ms. Nugent and Mr. MacLeod. They helped foster my love for reading and writing, and helped me find out somethings about myself. Honestly, when getting into high school, I was worried that I was going to struggle with Shakespeare, but honestly, I loved it, and I thrived in it. I’m sure they were the only assigned books that I ever finished in school and each teacher brought their own way to these stories that made me appreciate my visit to the Globe Theatre in London. They are absolute superstars and were laying so many foundations for Nova Scotia’s future.

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Another group of students getting their education on at The Globe Theatre

One of the great things about Canadian education is that we have the opportunity to learn a second language, and in a primarily English speaking province, the opportunity to learn French was a wonderful one. There is always one teacher who truly sticks out when I think about my French education and that is Mme. Girouard. She taught at least 4 of my high school courses (Drame 10, Fraçais 11, Français 12 et Droit 12) and I can tell you, I learned so much from her. She’s one of those teachers who comes around once in a lifetime for many (sometimes we get lucky and get multiple, I know I did!) who just makes the biggest impression on you and how you remember your education. She was quirky and so much fun, but you could see that in everything she did, she genuinely cared about teaching.

She didn’t have to work, but she chose to because she loved this job so much, and you could tell. I remember sitting in my Droit 12 class (Law 12) and her talking about the assassination of JFK, and she was standing up on tables and showing us how the projection of the bullet that Lee Harvey Oswald shot traveled. She encouraged us to dig deep into everything that we were learning. When it came to presentations in her class, she encouraged us to go at them fully with creativity and soak up as much information as possible. I remember two projects that I worked on in Droit 12 being about The West Memphis Three and the JonBenét Ramsey case that I still keep up with now as a twenty five year old. I reached past those walls of the classroom and have seen documentaries that I truly enjoyed and read books about them because they were things that interested me, and I learned that because of her.

These are just some of the many, many teachers that have influenced my life, who went above and beyond for me. They made sure that I had a well rounded education, that went above their pay to ensure that me and every other student who walked through their doors felt like they were someone. Without them, I honestly would not be even close to the person that I am. I’m sure I wouldn’t have found the things that I’m passionate about as quickly as I did, or at all. They saw the potential in me and chose to water it, let it grow and flourish. Now I think it’s time that the government does something for them. I want to see them flourish and grow and continue to make our students some of the brightest in the world.

Our teachers are so important, they shape our children into the adults that they will become just as much as a parent does. If we’re not taking care of our teachers then we’re not taking care of our kids, and if we’re not taking care of our kids we’re not taking care of our future. The students in this province understand the importance of our teachers, they’re showing that in their protests, in their walk outs that they value and KNOW how much our teachers do for us. If it wasn’t for teachers, do you think our Liberal Government here in Nova Scotia would be where they are today? I didn’t think so, so let’s do something for our teachers please. Let’s take care of them, because they take care of us.

Celebrating Little Victories

It’s been weeks since I’ve been able to sleep past five thirty in the morning. Most evenings I haven’t been able to keep my eyes open past nine, the feeling of exhaustion hitting by eight, and then there’s the fight to stay awake. The other evenings I would try to stay up late, in hopes that I could sleep in a bit, or at least enough that when my alarm went off in the morning that it would be what was waking me up instead of the chatter in my mind. This morning, there was still some chatter going on in my mind, but for the first time in weeks, it didn’t wake me up at the crack of stupid, and let me sleep in until seven thirty. And for someone who has been consistently falling asleep at nine o’clock, that was wonderful. Ten and a half hours of sleep. It felt glorious.

I count this as a little victory, and little slice of happiness. With things being crazy at work, cause y’know, retail hell during the Christmas season can get to ya, I’ve been more upset and stressed then my usual happy self lately. I’m actively finding little things to celebrate though, little things that make me happy. This morning, I woke up late and caught up on the two shows that I’ve been keeping up with this season, Gotham and This is Us. They’re not much, just two television shows that are so vastly different from each other, but they make me happy.

To add to that, I’m on my third book in a week and a half. I read the final novel in the Queen of the Tearling series, The Fate of the Tearling by Erika Johansen, and felt both joy and sadness with it’s conclusion. I was happy with how the author finished the story, but also a little sad because I had been waiting a year and a half for this story and now that it’s over, I don’t have a book that I’m really excited to wait for anymore. I also read Scrappy Little Nobody by Anna Kendrick, and I enjoyed having a little nonfiction to mix in with what I usually read. Now, I’m reading a book that was shortlisted for the Scotiabank Giller Prize for 2016, The Wonder by Emma Donoghue, which is so out of the realm of what I normally read that I also count that as a little victory on it’s own.

To top it off, I there are small victories with my mental health. Though my anxiety is still a very real thing, and I had been seeing someone for the last few months about how to better manage and deal with it, I no longer have to go and do that. The person I was seeing and I both agreed that I’m doing better at dealing and managing it, at actively trying to make improvements, that I don’t have to go in monthly to talk about what is causing me to be anxious anymore. I’m getting better at pinpointing it, analyzing it, and working to maintain it so that I’m not panicking all of the time. It’s a wonderful little victory that I count as a huge win in my books.

I’m making lots of little victories in my everyday life too. Got up this morning? Victory. Did something I loved for a while? Victory. Caught up on my shows? Victory. Drank some delicious hot chocolate? Victory. Didn’t punch a crappy customer in the face? Victory. A lot of these things are so easy and simple, maybe even mundane, but making them into more than just those little things is a way that I try to keep the joy in my life. I don’t know, maybe I’m a little simple when it comes to these things, but maybe, just maybe I’m actually a little more complicated with it. Maybe in choosing these things as victories despite how simple and easy they are, I’m actively choosing to have a happy life, which isn’t always so easy after all.

So, celebrate the small things as well as the big things. Start seeing the things that you can do and maybe take for granted as little victories, it might just change your perspective. Give yourself that high five for just being able to sit down and enjoy a cup of tea. Give yourself a thumbs up for learning something new. Give yourself a gold star for choosing to show love or sharing joy, even when it’s not easy. Thoroughly enjoy the little things in life, because they’re the things that keep us going. Just living from big thing to big thing only has a little bit of joy in it, especially when you spend that in between time just waiting for them instead of enjoying what you have right now. I don’t know, I’m just going to love every good thing that comes my way, even if it’s just being able to get up in the morning, because some days, that’s harder than it looks.

Deep Feelings

I am one of those strange people who feels everything quite deeply. I know that I’ve mentioned in posts before about how when something comes along, my emotions are usually on the extreme of either side. This is both a blessing and a curse for me because the unspeakable amount of joy that I am able to feel is through the roof, but the sorrow and sadness I feel along with it can be incapacitating. It could be something that I don’t even go through myself, it could be something I see happening to someone else.

Like tonight, I started watching a video on facebook because I was like, “Sweet, a video with cute baby bears.” without reading the title of the video. I got maybe thirty seconds into before I had to turn it off, lest I start crying. It was a story about baby bears who are being trained to stand on their hind legs for a circus, with chains around their necks, and if they go back to all fours, they would be choked because the chains weren’t long enough. You could hear the choking sounds, and even just thinking about it now has me tearing up a bit. Maybe my empathy and compassion levels are just too much, maybe I just care a lot about people and things that something like this would cause me to feel like crying within the first thirty seconds.

Later on this evening I was watching a youtube show that I tend to watch regularly, the Philip DeFranco show. It’s really just a guy who talks about things going on in the world, trying to be as unbiased as possible, and opening the floor for conversation with his viewers, asking for their thoughts and opinions on things. The final story in the episode for this evening was horrific and absolutely heart shattering, that again, I nearly started crying. It was actually about one of his regular viewers that found out that his wife was cheating on him, and after he talked to a divorce lawyer, his wife stabbed and killed their two children and then stabbed herself in the middle of the night. My heart is shattered for those two children, and for this man who has lost the two most important people in his life because this woman was selfish and cruel. (If you want to hear the story from Phil you can see that here. If you want to donate to the funeral costs and help this family out, you can do that here. If you want to see the news story about it, you can see that here.)

The thing is, these two stories, these two things that I’ve seen tonight have no real life consequences to my life in the sense that, I don’t know this family or I don’t work with bears, but they hit me in the heart. In the feels! And I know that they’ll hit a lot of people there, because these stories evoke a natural human reaction of sadness, empathy and compassion. The thing for me though, is that I’m probably going to feel this with me for more than just the ten minutes after. In fact, as proof of this, I’m writing a post about it now because it’s affecting me longer than that ten minutes after watching them. In all honesty, I’m probably going to feel these things for days, and they didn’t even happen to me.

Get something that actually has happened to me and who knows when I will stop feeling it. I know that some things take time and working on them, and in my last post I talked about how impatient I am to get over things (you can read that here,) but I can’t help feeling the things I do so deeply. That’s also not say that I feel ever negative feeling deeply, but the really happy good ones too. When I had a customer praise me and my work ethic in front of me to one of my managers, I was a little embarrassed, but also incredibly happy. I was embarrassed because I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to hear “how awesome I am” even though it’s nice to know someone thinks so highly of you. I was happy because I clearly made an impact on this customer’s day and that they left feeling very happy. That they had a joyful experience while shopping on one of the busiest weekends of the year.

I remember during the Christmas season last year, my managers called me into their office, and one of them joked that I was in trouble. Really, it was just that a customer had been so impressed with me and how I took the time to make their child feel special when they were so upset, that they wrote to our home office about me. Not to my managers, but like, to people that were higher up in the company, who are my bosses bosses. That was an incredibly wonderful feeling but also another slightly embarrassing feeling. (Because honestly, that goes into my file at work, and it’s nice, but also, I like to blend into the background. I don’t like a lot of attention for doing ‘good’ things.) It’s always going to be one of those things that I just do because I like bringing joy to people, not because I like the adulation.

When people are happy, I’m happy. I feed off that energy, and turning someone’s day around brings unspeakable joy to my life. When someone is down, when things aren’t going well, I feel that hurt as well. When someone hurts my friends, or does them wrong, I get so visibly angry, I almost shake. I had to convince my family to talk me down the other night because I thought I was going to hit someone after I found out someone was in the midst of screwing over a friend. It’s a blessing and a curse to have these deep feelings because it allows me to connect with people in a way that feels soul fulfilling, but it also brings on the negative feelings just as strongly.

So, here’s to just being me, in all of my deep feeling glory. I’ll cry over videos of bears being abused for the circus, I’ll cry over the loss of two beautiful children, I’ll get incredibly angry over someone screwing over my friends, and I’ll get extremely happy doing the things I love. I’ll just keep being me, feeling everything really deeply and if you ever wonder why I’m getting overly upset over something that doesn’t really affect me or my life, just know that it’s probably my super powers of being incredibly empathetic and caring more than I should coming out to play.

I Could Be an Award Winner in Impatience

I’m incredibly impatient a lot of the time. I suppose that’s something to know about me and the type of person I am. I have the capability to be patient, like how I’m waiting ever so patiently for November 29th to roll around so I can get my hands on the final book in the Tearling series, but that’s just because I’ve distracted myself enough with other books that I already have to read. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m even being this patient about The Fate of the Tearling because in a lot of other things, I’m really not good at waiting for things that I really want.

It mostly comes down to things on a personal level though. Like looking at the goals I set out for myself. I want to eventually be able to have an apartment and pay rent by using my camera. I’m not there yet, and honestly, if I do get there, it will be a long time coming. I still have a lot of things I have to learn about photography and doing business in the world of photography, but that’s going to take time. I need to up my skills and the confidence I have in my skills and I get so impatient with myself that I’m not there yet. That I don’t see myself and my work as “good enough” yet but I want to be there already.

And it’s not even just with my personal and career minded goals things. It’s going through an emotional process that I know I can’t skip over because life just doesn’t work like that. The loss of a family member or friend, or even the loss of a relationship. I take a step back and look how far I’ve come along, but I still see the journey ahead and I want to be at the finish line already. I don’t want to mourn anymore, I don’t want to feel the loss or sadness that has come along with it, I don’t want to feel the anxiousness. I have to though, and I get frustrated with myself that I can’t look at these emotional threads in my life and not get upset every once in a while. I think to myself, “Why can’t I just be over this part already? Why can’t my mind stop haunting me with these painful things yet?”

I get so impatient that I’m not immediately feeling better all of the time, despite knowing, intellectually, that that is unreasonable. If you’re emotionally invested in something, a friendship, a relationship, or something else, you don’t automatically get over the loss of it because you want to. You just can’t because your heart was invested, and the heart has the habit of not wanting to let go. It takes time, and that timeline is different for every person and every situation and I know it’s unreasonable for me to wish that I wasn’t still here, but I’m impatient.

And I know that part of the process of this emotional stuff includes mourning the loss of something that my heart had a tight grip on. As I get older I’ve learned that mourning isn’t just for death, but for loss in general. Sometimes friendships end because they’ve run their natural course, people change, life gets in the way, or something caused it to end. Even if there was a terrible end to that friendship, you still tend to mourn the loss of that person and the significance they played in your life because you were invested in them. Same goes for relationships. You mourn the loss and futures you thought you could have had with that person and not having that person there all the time as a permanent fixture in your life. It’s such a weird thing to even think about or process, but it’s something you have to do because otherwise you’ll drive yourself crazy.

So here’s to something that I can work on in myself. Being patient. And not just for the good things in life, but being patient with myself as I process the things that come along. If I’m not patient with myself and letting myself go through the things that I need, then I’m not showing the love I need to keep showing to myself. Part of self love and self care is being patient with your faults, your mistakes and letting yourself heal from the things that have hurt you. You don’t get better over night, so you need to take care of yourself while you process. You need to show yourself kindness and patience, and so here’s to working on that. I know I’m my harshest critic, my own worst enemy, but I’m also my best friend, and the one person I have to spend the rest of my life with, so I might as well start being kinder to myself, right?

Hello Harbourville

Every time I make my way to the valley, there are two stops that I always make. First, for a Sweet Maria burger and a peanut butter milk shake from Jonny’s Cookhouse in Berwick, which is by far the best burger that I have ever had. (And for someone who doesn’t really enjoy eating meat, that’s saying something!) Sometimes, I even split a poutine with whoever I’m with at the time. I endure long auctions with my family down in Victoria Vale, just to get a taste of this wonderful burger, that’s how I know it’s good and worth it.

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The second place I stop is in Harbourville, which is probably one of my favourite places in the whole province to stop and visit. There is just something about this place that makes me love it. Maybe it’s because I’m a city girl and I love the feel of life here, but every time I’m there, I want to have my camera in my hand and I want to soak everything up. You can see New Brunswick from across the ocean, the breeze is beautiful, and it’s filled with such natural beauty.

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Honestly, I feel like it’s easy to fall in love with this little town. There’s not a whole lot there, I’m sure for those who live there, there isn’t much to do, but it has so much beauty. Rocky beaches and fishing boats. Little cottages and cliffs that look over the ocean. There is just something about Harbourville that draws me in every time. Here are some photos from my multiple trips to this cute little fishing village.

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Every time I’m down, I search for this boat. I try to take a photo of it every time I’m there, and the first time, I had no idea it held such significance to a friend of mine. It’s the boat that his father owned before he passed, so I always try to document it while I’m there.

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Right on the beach. There she is again, the second from the right, Let It Ride.

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The view is so wonderful.

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Tide’s out, boat’s in.

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Tide’s out, boat’s in.

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Cliffs down on another beach.

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Cliffs down on another beach.

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The cliff’s are magnificent.

 

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The view from the look off.

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The view from the look off.

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Snack Shack.

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Snack Shack.

Busyness and Happiness

The last three weeks I have been incredibly busy. I feel like I’ve been full out, and in the last three weeks I’ve only had actually 2 days off where I wasn’t doing something else. October 10-14 I worked everyday, then I had driving school all day on the weekend. Then the next week I worked October 17,18,20,21, with Wednesday being a day free. Then I had Saturday off to myself and on Sunday I went back for my last day of classes in driving school, then a photo shoot for a high school friend. This past week I worked October 24 and 25th, and then on the Wednesday I did another shoot for a friend who was receiving her Canadian citizenship. Then I work today and tomorrow, then I have three glorious days to myself and I cannot wait because I am going to the cottage and I am going to just relax and rest up.

Despite being as hectic as I feel like I have been these last few weeks, I’m so incredibly happy. I mean, I had a four day stretch where I was incredibly anxious and panicky, but that really had nothing to do with how busy I was and more to do with something personal that popped up. But I’m happy. I love being busy,  I love the feeling of accomplishing so much in a short amount of time and being able to do things that I enjoy. Even if I was working that morning, I pushed myself to bring my camera and go shooting in the morning before my shifts and I’ve come out with some really cool shots that I’m happy with.

The only thing that makes this busyness hard to take is that this blog has been taking a bit of a hit by being on the back burner and being this busy consumes a lot of energy. I end up fighting to stay awake at 8pm. I’m usually an early to bed, early to rise girl, but when I’m fighting to keep my eyes open past a really early time in the evening it kind of sucks. I end up crashing hard and when my alarm goes off in the morning it’s a struggle to pull myself out of bed. I normally like to read before I go to sleep as well, and lately the only times I feel like I have the time to read is over my morning tea before I go out shooting, on the bus to work and then on my breaks after I’ve eaten. Other than that though, I’m happy.

I find throwing myself into a crazy busy schedule helps keep my mind busy as well, and for someone who overthinks like it’s her damn job, it gives me a break from my mind just running every possible scenario to get me worked up. It’s a nice change of pace for when I have too much time on my hands and my mind likes to remind me of all the things I should be anxious or upset about. The busyness also helps me appreciate the time I do have when I have it to myself, like spending all day in bed lurking on the internet, or editing photos that I took for my own personal joy, or reading that book that I’m half way through. It makes the moments, even if it’s in the morning before a shift, feel that much sweeter when I can do these things that add a little something extra to my life.

So, despite being incredibly busy, I’m happy. I have shot some photos that I love (that I will show off below), I’ve brought customer joy to many people that have walked through the doors of my workplace, I’ve made new and interesting friends, I’ve brought joy to friends in capturing their special moments, and I’ve improved my life a little bit by doing things that need to get done. This year had some pretty low lows so far, but it’s also had some really high highs and I’m thankful for both. I’ve felt incredible joy because of it.

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My Own Worst Enemy

Often times I am my own worst enemy. There are things that I know I shouldn’t do, because I know I will get hurt and yet, I just can’t help myself. I’m like the damn cat who died because she was too curious. I often feel like I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t, so I eventually doing the thing that causes me a bit of pain because I know that my curiosity will badger me until I do. Sometimes it turns out alright after I’ve gone through the pain, because after I do whatever it is I’m stressing about, it’s then that I can move on and heal from it. I can become a little bit stronger. The thing is, that in between time, the time where I’m feeling the pain or the hurt, it can absolutely devastate me for a few days and bring about a visit from my good ol’ friend anxiety.

It’s a weird thing, knowing that you actions can and will hurt you, but you’re still willing to take the risk because you know that if you don’t do something,  you’ll still get hurt. I don’t like the feeling of the pain, but the being able to look back and see that I’ve grown so much makes it a little bit easier to take. I’ve made mistakes, ones that I know I could have avoided and never gained anything in return, but because I made them, I’ve learned something each time. It’s helped me put things into perspective, it’s helped me move on from things that I was holding on to. Things that if I didn’t deal with them, would end up hurting me more in the long run.

I’ve made a lot of dumb choices. I am often the cause of some of my most painful moments, but in making these stupid choices, I found something. I found strength and happiness, and the freedom of letting go of the things that destroyed me, which was something that I needed. I’ve got stories to tell because of them, advice to give, and a perspective to share. It’s nice seeing the other side of it all, because of the darkness, I’ve found sunshine and I’m going to stay in it as long as I can. I’m going to use the things I’ve learned and share them with those who go through similar things and learn from their mistakes as well. I may sometimes be my own worst enemy, but I’m also my own best friend too.

That Halifax Waterfront Love

The amount I love the Halifax Waterfront is unreal. I read something somewhere that said, “If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph.” which if you think about it in the sense of what they’re shooting for themselves and not for clients, then you’d find that I’d fear losing my city. I know that I want to travel and see the world beyond Halifax, but I don’t ever want to lose my roots here. This is home, and the waterfront is where I’m extremely happy. So, as the summer has gone on, I’ve spent a lot of time shooting it on so many different mornings.

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Historic Properties

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Historic Properties

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The ferries coming in and out.

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The Harbour Queen and Kawartha Spirit docked by Murphy’s.

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The ferry coming in past Murphy’s Restaurant

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A tall ship docked by Murphy’s.

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A tall ship docked by Murphy’s.

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A ferry heading to Woodside on a foggy morning.

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The tall ship Silva docked on a foggy morning.

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The tall ship Silva in light of the sunrise.

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The Waterfront Piano

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Beavertails

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Sunrise on the waterfront.

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Halifax Waterfront

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Halifax Waterfront

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Halifax Waterfront

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Halifax Waterfront

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The Last Steps

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Theodore Tugboat

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Theodore Tugboat

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The Halifax Wave

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Halifax Waterfront

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Halifax Waterfront

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Halifax Waterfront

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The Stubborn Goat Beer Garden

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Sunrise on the waterfront.

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The fair was in town during the buskers.

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I ❤ Bikes

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Halifax Waterfront
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Halifax Waterfront

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Halifax Waterfront

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Halifax Waterfront

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Halifax Waterfront

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The Bicycle Thief

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Fishing on the waterfront during the sunrise.

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Halifax Waterfront

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Cruise ship coming in to port.

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The Seaport Market

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The Harbourwalk

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The Seaport Market