I’m incredibly impatient a lot of the time. I suppose that’s something to know about me and the type of person I am. I have the capability to be patient, like how I’m waiting ever so patiently for November 29th to roll around so I can get my hands on the final book in the Tearling series, but that’s just because I’ve distracted myself enough with other books that I already have to read. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m even being this patient about The Fate of the Tearling because in a lot of other things, I’m really not good at waiting for things that I really want.
It mostly comes down to things on a personal level though. Like looking at the goals I set out for myself. I want to eventually be able to have an apartment and pay rent by using my camera. I’m not there yet, and honestly, if I do get there, it will be a long time coming. I still have a lot of things I have to learn about photography and doing business in the world of photography, but that’s going to take time. I need to up my skills and the confidence I have in my skills and I get so impatient with myself that I’m not there yet. That I don’t see myself and my work as “good enough” yet but I want to be there already.
And it’s not even just with my personal and career minded goals things. It’s going through an emotional process that I know I can’t skip over because life just doesn’t work like that. The loss of a family member or friend, or even the loss of a relationship. I take a step back and look how far I’ve come along, but I still see the journey ahead and I want to be at the finish line already. I don’t want to mourn anymore, I don’t want to feel the loss or sadness that has come along with it, I don’t want to feel the anxiousness. I have to though, and I get frustrated with myself that I can’t look at these emotional threads in my life and not get upset every once in a while. I think to myself, “Why can’t I just be over this part already? Why can’t my mind stop haunting me with these painful things yet?”
I get so impatient that I’m not immediately feeling better all of the time, despite knowing, intellectually, that that is unreasonable. If you’re emotionally invested in something, a friendship, a relationship, or something else, you don’t automatically get over the loss of it because you want to. You just can’t because your heart was invested, and the heart has the habit of not wanting to let go. It takes time, and that timeline is different for every person and every situation and I know it’s unreasonable for me to wish that I wasn’t still here, but I’m impatient.
And I know that part of the process of this emotional stuff includes mourning the loss of something that my heart had a tight grip on. As I get older I’ve learned that mourning isn’t just for death, but for loss in general. Sometimes friendships end because they’ve run their natural course, people change, life gets in the way, or something caused it to end. Even if there was a terrible end to that friendship, you still tend to mourn the loss of that person and the significance they played in your life because you were invested in them. Same goes for relationships. You mourn the loss and futures you thought you could have had with that person and not having that person there all the time as a permanent fixture in your life. It’s such a weird thing to even think about or process, but it’s something you have to do because otherwise you’ll drive yourself crazy.
So here’s to something that I can work on in myself. Being patient. And not just for the good things in life, but being patient with myself as I process the things that come along. If I’m not patient with myself and letting myself go through the things that I need, then I’m not showing the love I need to keep showing to myself. Part of self love and self care is being patient with your faults, your mistakes and letting yourself heal from the things that have hurt you. You don’t get better over night, so you need to take care of yourself while you process. You need to show yourself kindness and patience, and so here’s to working on that. I know I’m my harshest critic, my own worst enemy, but I’m also my best friend, and the one person I have to spend the rest of my life with, so I might as well start being kinder to myself, right?