My Own Worst Enemy

Often times I am my own worst enemy. There are things that I know I shouldn’t do, because I know I will get hurt and yet, I just can’t help myself. I’m like the damn cat who died because she was too curious. I often feel like I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t, so I eventually doing the thing that causes me a bit of pain because I know that my curiosity will badger me until I do. Sometimes it turns out alright after I’ve gone through the pain, because after I do whatever it is I’m stressing about, it’s then that I can move on and heal from it. I can become a little bit stronger. The thing is, that in between time, the time where I’m feeling the pain or the hurt, it can absolutely devastate me for a few days and bring about a visit from my good ol’ friend anxiety.

It’s a weird thing, knowing that you actions can and will hurt you, but you’re still willing to take the risk because you know that if you don’t do something,  you’ll still get hurt. I don’t like the feeling of the pain, but the being able to look back and see that I’ve grown so much makes it a little bit easier to take. I’ve made mistakes, ones that I know I could have avoided and never gained anything in return, but because I made them, I’ve learned something each time. It’s helped me put things into perspective, it’s helped me move on from things that I was holding on to. Things that if I didn’t deal with them, would end up hurting me more in the long run.

I’ve made a lot of dumb choices. I am often the cause of some of my most painful moments, but in making these stupid choices, I found something. I found strength and happiness, and the freedom of letting go of the things that destroyed me, which was something that I needed. I’ve got stories to tell because of them, advice to give, and a perspective to share. It’s nice seeing the other side of it all, because of the darkness, I’ve found sunshine and I’m going to stay in it as long as I can. I’m going to use the things I’ve learned and share them with those who go through similar things and learn from their mistakes as well. I may sometimes be my own worst enemy, but I’m also my own best friend too.


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