Sometimes I think I’m going to die from a crush

When your routine collides with someone elses’ and then you start to notice them. Then you think, “Wow, they’re actually adorable.” and then it proceeds. You start noticing them more and more. How each of you have continually met at the same time and place regularly enough that you start to acknowledge each other. The acknowledgements start small, with accidental eye contact and a polite smile shared. Then it turns into something more purposeful, intentional eye contact. After that it starts to grows into a soft and shy smile, not just something you give when your eyes meet accidentally. It’s purposeful. It’s feeling out the moment and seeing if the other is feeling it too.

The smiles become more confident, it’s not just a polite thing anymore, but a way to speak without words. It’s the nervous rush that comes when you both start to make a habit of it. Your morning routine is more rushed, trying to make sure you’re there early enough so that you don’t miss each other, and when you do, it sets your day in a bad way. But when the stars align and you meet up for those moments, it’s like all is right with the world.

It’s when the smiles escalate into a quiet good morning, breaking the unspoken barrier separating you for the few moments you’ve had the good fortune to be in the same place and the same time. It’s the look across the world where you’re dying for them to say hello, and the moment they do, your world is spinning and you can feel yourself shaking.

When you now anticipate seeing them, and the moment you spot them, your heart starts to beat with a ferocious attack of the nerves, but yet you still manage to give a smile and say hello. Then that moment when they say it back and you think about it over and over again, knowing that if you keep going, your heart might actually explode. Your mind races, pulling at all the memories where they became more than just another in the sea of faces. Where you’ve locked up the thought of their smile and how a genuine one makes them the most attractive person you’ll see today.

Then after all this time, wanting them to do more than just say hello, wanting to know their name and what they do for a living. Wanting to have a conversation that isn’t just with a smile and a hello, but something deeper. You sit there as they take a little bit longer to be on their way, hoping and waiting for when they’ll approach you and introduce themselves, setting your world on fire. You chant to yourself, “Come say hello. Tell me your name. I want to know you.” You know they’re nervous, you’re nervous too, so you’re disappointed when they don’t, but also patient. It’s not easy talking to someone you only see for a few minutes most mornings.

It’s the anticipation of what’s to come next that’s going to kill me, and someday I may have to repeat this process until the day I won’t have to anymore.



2 thoughts on “Sometimes I think I’m going to die from a crush

  1. My dear Bethany you are an old sweet soul. Please continue to follow your gut instincts. : ) One day i hope to meet and have a tea with you

    • My dear Elaine! Thank you for the compliment! I hope that some day we can sit and have that cup of tea! When you’re in the city next we’ll have to do it!

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