Well, who would have thought?

wellwhowouldhavethought

Quick, you have fifteen seconds, what am I thinking?

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Bzz bzz. Time’s up.

If you guessed: how damn good that hummus I just had was, you’d be correct.

If you guessed: why are boys such a weird breed? You’d be correct again.

If you guessed: chicken nuggets, heck yes I am!

If you guessed: gosh, I love spending all this time staring at Tom Hiddleston’s beautiful face all over tumblr, you would definitely be correct.

If you guessed: where on earth did I put that tin of homemade shortbread cookies, you’d be wrong…mostly cause I know what I did with them…I ate them all…with help from my classmates…

As many have tried (and often failed, here’s looking at you male population…) to figure me out, and that I am quite a complex individual that is not easily read. I know, I know, no one is a mind reader, but if people had the ability to read minds, I think they would lose theirs if they could read mine for a day. Honestly, my brain is a factory of thoughts, and often strange, unrelated to each other except through a thin thread of personal experiences. Even when I sleep, my mind is constantly rambling on about something, and on the rare occasion, it is so noisy that I can’t possibly fall asleep.

It could be that there is a song that I’m really into, and the lyrics and notes just constantly capture my imagination, that I don’t dream, I just repeat the lyrics, over and over and over and over…yet I’m still not sick of the song. Or maybe, there is something going on in my life and my mind won’t let anything else consume it. Heck, I may have a project that I’m working on, and I’m sitting there trying to figure out what I want the results to be, and how to set up the damn lighting in the studio so I can make it look absolutely wicked. The thing is, my mind is a very, very busy place, there is a lot of traffic coming from all kinds of sources, and maybe it’s what is driving me nuts and even sometimes, causing anxiety.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows up there, in fact, if something is truly a scary place. Whatever is going on that bothers me, it’s all I can think about and it can be a bad place to spend your time. If it’s something important or stressful, I sometimes have anxiety/panic attacks while worrying about things that are irrational. Like, how am I supposed to shoot that photo shoot in the studio while there’s a blizzard raging on and I could neither get to it and the school was closed? Cue the over-thinking and melt down. I acknowledge after, and even sometimes during one of those episodes, that it was completely irrational, it was beyond my control, and yet, my brain is telling me, “YOU MUST STRESS ABOUT IT! YOU MUST WORRY ABOUT IT! YOU MUST LET IT CONSUME YOU UNTIL YOU ARE CRYING AND FEELING TERRIBLE!”

I am so, so very thankful that it is not a regular thing, that the period of times where these episodes like to be displayed don’t last. I have tiny bouts of anxiety where I worry about things that are stupid and irrational, but I am usually really good at letting things roll off my shoulders. My heart truly goes out to the people who have to deal with severe anxiety on a daily basis, you guys are incredible, and I know almost nothing of what you go through. Then there are the days that are bad, and sometimes, it’s just one day in a number of months, and other times, it’s multiple days in a week for a month period.

I remember this one time, last spring, I had so much going on that I don’t know how I was able to let so many other things just roll off my shoulders. The big things were there though, such as, I had submitted my portfolio for the photography program, I hadn’t heard from the admissions office for two months, and I had heard of a friend’s getting lost. Cue me freaking out, thinking that maybe they misplaced my application and the portfolio. I spent over 60$ on the scrapbook and photos alone, not including the application fee. Then add the pressure of my self expectations to pass all of my classes with at least, a minimum of 80 and above (all were 88 and above, with the exception of that one lovely little 75. My highest mark was a 93 though, score.) Then, having this huge, 5 week collaborative project which was basically the make or break if I passed this program, and my teachers making me the team lead, where I would be in charge of everything…and I mean everything to do with my project. Don’t get me wrong, it was an incredible opportunity and honor that my teachers thought so highly of me, but gah, stress. (I’m happy to say I passed with flying colors and that resulted me in graduating with honors! HECK YES!) Then, the lovely little cherry on top, I was kind of seeing a guy I really kind of liked who was possibly the worst texter in existence. Whenever you texted him to make plans for the day, it would often take him ten hours to respond. It wasn’t really his fault, he was just really busy and forgetful, but when you add everything, it was like, “Why am I doing this to myself?”

The results of all that, me standing in the kitchen at 8:30pm, hyperventilating, crying, heart racing, mind racing, and in full on panic mode. This is so unlike me, that it’s ridiculous and those who know me, would know that I’m usually quite a relaxed and chilled out person…most of the time. It was so bad, my mom, who is a nurse and has seen a lot and a lot of my crazy, was freaked out. I’ll be honest, having one of those nights is just not recommended, and something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

My main problem is, I just think a lot, about anything and everything. I think about that stupid embarrassing thing I did in front of that really cute boy in high school, I think about how I should have responded differently to a situation, I think about why on earth am I even on the radars of some guys (honestly, this baffles me to no end), I think about whether I have eaten that day or not, I think about how fantastic it would be to be working as a photographer for a fashion magazine (shout out to my dream job at Glamour & Glamour UK) or where I put my stupid phone that I swear I had right here five minutes ago. At any given moment, I could have about a billion and one things going on inside my brain, and if you ask me what’s on my mind I may panic a little bit, because I don’t know which to tell you first. Then it comes out like word vomit (thank you Mean Girls for that amazing term!) and you’ll be so confused, you’ll never be able to figure out how I linked cheese whiz to Back to the Future.

All I do is think, think, think. If I’m sitting there quietly, not really doing anything, I guarantee that I have something on my mind, and I’m just thinking about it. Chances are it’s probably imaginary conversations of ideal interactions with people that I enjoy talking to, cause in real life, people are jerks or they’re just not around and I miss them. Sometimes I think so much that if I’m trying to word out what I’m going to say in my mind before I say it, I get kind of distracted by my train of thought (this happens all. of. the. time.) and I can’t remember if I said what I wanted to say. Often, it’s a repeat of what I had said five minutes earlier, and then I realize that I have said this already, and my friends get a good laugh at me.

It’s nothing new to me really, I think a lot, I feel things so deeply, which is both a curse and a blessing, and I guard it all with my life. Really, I’m just a little bit odd, and I sometimes I don’t even know how to process what’s going and my favorite defense mechanism is extreme sarcasm.

So if you see me sitting there, and I seem like I’m in my own little world, chances are, I probably am. My mind likes to chatter, and it’s not always bad stuff, it’s normal stuff, but it’s just constantly going. I may repeat something I’ve already said, I may keep my words and feelings locked up, but don’t worry too much, I’ve had 22 years of experience with this strange brain of mine.

I’m really happy I have this blog though, because it allows me to unload some of the things that are on my mind, and it’s been really good to have this outlet where I’m completely honest, with myself and anyone who reads this. I’m still a little choosy about what I’m honest about, mostly because I hate hurting people’s feelings, but there may be a point in time where my honesty will have to come out about these things. It may sting people in a way that they didn’t expect. I just hope that they’re mature enough to know that I mean no ill intention, but rather, that these are things that I feel and they’re valid because I have felt them.

“You feelings are valid, simply because you feel them.” – Unknown

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