So, you met a girl that you really like right? You’ve both established that you’re interested in each other, and you really want things to work, but she’s still pretty guarded, what do you do? As a girl who is really well guarded herself, I definitely have some insight and so I’m going to share some of the things that I wish people that I have dated in the past would have known about me and what I would have liked more.
1. Patience. This is absolutely huge for me and any girl who doesn’t want to jump straight into the pools of romance. Being someone who is guarded is not easy. It is really hard to let people in your life, to let them get to know you and to get comfortable with having someone else being in their space more than they’re used to. What you need to understand is that if you guys have established that you’re interested in one another, that it’s not going to be an easy walk into a relationship, in fact, it will probably be really hard, but it will be worth it. You really need to be patient with them if you want things to work out. It may feel like an eternity, but if you pay attention, you’ll slowly see the wall come down and they’ll start to let you in. It’s a big deal for us to let people in so when we see that you’re trying to make things work, we end up feeling like you really care enough. That makes us feel less uneasy and unlikely to get hurt, so, be patient.
2. Don’t push too far. Everyone needs a little bit of a nudge every once in a while, it’s how we grow and get out of our comfort zones. I guarantee that if a girl who keeps her feelings to herself lets you into her life, that she is extending out of her comfort zone. That is a huge deal, because we’re very selective of who can be apart of our lives and it means that we feel safe enough to let you in a bit. I like being a bit out of my comfort zone if I feel like I’m advancing and having personal growth, but if I feel like I’ve been pushed too far too quickly then I freeze, freak out and shut down. This is not good if you want things to really work. Good news though, we are very forgiving because we understand that you may just not understand how this makes us feel, but you need to pay attention to how we react. We may not say it with our words, but our actions will give it away almost every time. If you feel like you’ve maybe gone too far, ask us, and we’ll most likely tell you what’s up and what would be better. Keep in mind though, that if you keep pushing the things that make us visibly uncomfortable, we’re going to block you out eventually and we’ll be stuck at a stalemate. Don’t worry though, because once we get comfortable enough, things will progress, I’m promise. It just takes us a little bit longer than others.
3. Just ask. Honestly, we have a lot on our minds, especially when it comes to worries, insecurities and fears. If you want to know what’s on our minds, please, instead of just assuming things, ask us. If we really are into you and want things to work, and you ask, we will definitely tell you. We almost never volunteer information on the things that bother us or on our minds out of fear, so it really doesn’t hurt to ask us every once in a while. I’m not an easy person to read, I know this, so the best course of action to know what I’m feeling is come straight to the source. If I’m getting comfortable with you and you ask, I will tell you what’s on my mind because I really do want to let you in. It’s not some stupid little game I’m playing to hurt or bother you, it’s often just difficult to express myself and letting myself trust you.
4. We’re not looking for a shallow relationship. We want something deep and that connects us to the person we choose to let in. When it comes to this kind of stuff, it’s kind of what we crave the most. We want someone to share our thoughts, feelings and eventually our lives with. If you’re looking for someone just to sleep with, you should look elsewhere, because it’s not our first priority. I’m not saying that relationships that have a sexual element are shallow, they can be quite beautiful, but it’s not the most important thing to us. In fact, I would say that it would be closer to a priority to feel secure and safe with someone who respects us, treats us like someone who is worth putting an effort into and understanding that we are complex individuals instead of just an object of lust.
5. We’re quite logical…usually. We like to think things through before we act on them. You’ll find that we’re quite cautious and not compulsive at all and we think a lot while analyzing how things that happen make us feel and how to adapt. We’re not the type to be swept off our feet, it would feel like too much of a risk to let that happen so we try to see everything for what it is, in a realistic sense and how to continue on. We use our minds before we let our emotions dictate, which is a safety precaution so that we don’t get ourselves in over our heads. Sometimes, we come off a little cold when the emotional would normally take over, but that is just us trying to keep ourselves protected which leads me to my next tip/bit of information about us.
6. We’re emotional…I promise. Though you may not get to see it right away. Part of the reason why we’re so logical is because we feel things so deeply that if it was let to run loose, we could become devastatingly hurt. I don’t let a lot of people know how I’m truly feeling, especially when I’m hurting or frustrated because it’s a place of intense vulnerability and I find it really hard to express it. Every girl is different, but we are quite complex creatures, so the differences between our emotional states will be varied from time to time. It’s really just a matter of time and feeling really comfortable with you until you get to experience this side. We do want you to, and it is one of the ways that we will really connect with you.
7. Take us out on dates in relatively public places…especially in the beginning. I would say in a private public place though. Somewhere where we are able to have a conversation, get to know you and familiar with you, but also have the feeling of safety of having other people around. I don’t know what it is, but when I’m getting to know a guy, I feel a whole lot more comfortable when I’m in a place where there are lots of people around, but we’re spending time one on one. Classic dates that work really well are dinner and a movie. We’re in a place where there are a lot of people around (security in numbers, my friend) but I’m not spending time with those people, I’m spending time with you, learning about the things you like through conversation and food and you get to learn about me. Then we go to a movie that we both may enjoy, and we get to know what kind of stories interest each other. While we’re not able to talk during the movie, it will give us something to talk about either right after the date, or the next time we see each other, which really helps girls like me connect to you. I will be straight up and tell you that if you decide that the first time we should hang out one on one, with none of our friends around, is in a really private situation, it will freak me out a bit. I probably won’t feel safe and won’t know what to do if I get overwhelmed and feel like I need to escape. While it may seem pretty normal to head to your place to sit and watch a movie there, I guarantee that the whole time my mind will be racing and I won’t be comfortable because to me, that’s too quick of a step.
8. It’s not easy for us to tell you we like you but we do. Words are not always our best friends when it comes to sharing how we feel about you. You may not be showered in comments like, “I think you’re really attractive,” or “I really like you.” There really isn’t an easy way to tell, but if after a while, if we’re still spending time with you, talking with you regularly and we seem at least kind of comfortable, we’re probably still into you. I know myself, and I know that if I start getting a bad vibe or I’m feeling severely uncomfortable, I’m going to make a getaway, and quickly. I will not subject myself to spending my time and energy on someone who makes me unhappy and basically feel like hiding from every time I see them. If after a while I am still there spending time with you and haven’t made a break for it, then I still like having you around. I will eventually start to become more comfortable and affectionate, and tell you things like, “I think you have a cute butt,” or “I really am comfortable with you and like spending time with you.”
9. If something is bothering you, let us know. We don’t want this to be a one sided relationship, we really want to know if something is bothering you because we care about you. If something in the relationship is getting at you, don’t let it fester in your mind until you’re all worked up and really upset. Like anyone, if we don’t know, we can’t help remedy the situation, which may only need a little communication or clarification. I love to learn, especially about the people I let into my life, so when we get to that point, I really want to make things work, so I love hearing what’s on your mind. I’m a natural problem solving kind of person, I like to look at situations in a logical way and try to fix what’s going on so that things will be better for everyone involved. So if you feel like you’re not hearing, “Hey you, you’ve got an incredibly cute butt,” often enough, instead of dwelling on it, let me know. I’ll probably make more of a conscious effort to let you know that I think that.
10. It’s okay for you to show a little bit of vulnerability in the beginning. It makes us feel better, and shows that you’re really making an effort. It may take us a little bit to be able to be vulnerable with you, but when you show a little bit, it let’s us know that you trust us and that we can eventually trust ours with you. If you’ve seen a sad movie and it made you tear up a little bit and you let us know that, you’re giving us the power to potentially hurt you, but because we know about that fear, we would never hold it against you, we would appreciate your courage and honesty.
Not every girl is guarded, but there are those of us who are, and some of these tips and bits of information will probably help you understand us a little bit better. There are so many more things that I could cover, but these are some of the major ones. Girls who are guarded are not fit for everyone, and that’s okay, but I promise you, that if you fall for a girl who is, and you’re really willing to make things work, it will be worth it. The obstacles may be huge, but the connection you will have will be one that rebels those in cheesy romance novels. Just remember, be patient, respectful and honest, and things should be okay. We’re just trying to take care of ourselves in a world that may not have been too kind to us in the past. We all have situations that may have caused us to close up and not let anyone in, and we’re just trying to make it in this world without having to re-live those bad experiences. If you’d like to read about my experiences and why I find it hard to let people in, you can check out my earlier blog post, I’m Sorry, But We’re Having a Connection Problem, and gain a little insight to a very complicated girl.