Tips for Dating a Girl Who is Guarded

tipsfordating

So, you met a girl that you really like right? You’ve both established that you’re interested in each other, and you really want things to work, but she’s still pretty guarded, what do you do? As a girl who is really well guarded herself, I definitely have some insight and so I’m going to share some of the things that I wish people that I have dated in the past would have known about me and what I would have liked more.

1. Patience. This is absolutely huge for me and any girl who doesn’t want to jump straight into the pools of romance. Being someone who is guarded is not easy. It is really hard to let people in your life, to let them get to know you and to get comfortable with having someone else being in their space more than they’re used to. What you need to understand is that if you guys have established that you’re interested in one another, that it’s not going to be an easy walk into a relationship, in fact, it will probably be really hard, but it will be worth it. You really need to be patient with them if you want things to work out. It may feel like an eternity, but if you pay attention, you’ll slowly see the wall come down and they’ll start to let you in. It’s a big deal for us to let people in so when we see that you’re trying to make things work, we end up feeling like you really care enough. That makes us feel less uneasy and unlikely to get hurt, so, be patient.

2. Don’t push too far. Everyone needs a little bit of a nudge every once in a while, it’s how we grow and get out of our comfort zones. I guarantee that if a girl who keeps her feelings to herself lets you into her life, that she is extending out of her comfort zone. That is a huge deal, because we’re very selective of who can be apart of our lives and it means that we feel safe enough to let you in a bit. I like being a bit out of my comfort zone if I feel like I’m advancing and having personal growth, but if I feel like I’ve been pushed too far too quickly then I freeze, freak out and shut down. This is not good if you want things to really work. Good news though, we are very forgiving because we understand that you may just not understand how this makes us feel, but you need to pay attention to how we react. We may not say it with our words, but our actions will give it away almost every time. If you feel like you’ve maybe gone too far, ask us, and we’ll most likely tell you what’s up and what would be better. Keep in mind though, that if you keep pushing the things that make us visibly uncomfortable, we’re going to block you out eventually and we’ll be stuck at a stalemate. Don’t worry though, because once we get comfortable enough, things will progress, I’m promise. It just takes us a little bit longer than others.

3. Just ask. Honestly, we have a lot on our minds, especially when it comes to worries, insecurities and fears. If you want to know what’s on our minds, please, instead of just assuming things, ask us. If we really are into you and want things to work, and you ask, we will definitely tell you. We almost never volunteer information on the things that bother us or on our minds out of fear, so it really doesn’t hurt to ask us every once in a while. I’m not an easy person to read, I know this, so the best course of action to know what I’m feeling is come straight to the source. If I’m getting comfortable with you and you ask, I will tell you what’s on my mind because I really do want to let you in. It’s not some stupid little game I’m playing to hurt or bother you, it’s often just difficult to express myself and letting myself trust you.

4. We’re not looking for a shallow relationship. We want something deep and that connects us to the person we choose to let in. When it comes to this kind of stuff, it’s kind of what we crave the most. We want someone to share our thoughts, feelings and eventually our lives with. If you’re looking for someone just to sleep with, you should look elsewhere, because it’s not our first priority. I’m not saying that relationships that have a sexual element are shallow, they can be quite beautiful, but it’s not the most important thing to us. In fact, I would say that it would be closer to a priority to feel secure and safe with someone who respects us, treats us like someone who is worth putting an effort into and understanding that we are complex individuals instead of just an object of lust.

5. We’re quite logical…usually. We like to think things through before we act on them. You’ll find that we’re quite  cautious and not compulsive at all and we think a lot while analyzing how things that happen make us feel and how to adapt. We’re not the type to be swept off our feet, it would feel like too much of a risk to let that happen so we try to see everything for what it is, in a realistic sense and how to continue on. We use our minds before we let our emotions dictate, which is a safety precaution so that we don’t get ourselves in over our heads. Sometimes, we come off a little cold when the emotional would normally take over, but that is just us trying to keep ourselves protected which leads me to my next tip/bit of information about us.

6. We’re emotional…I promise. Though you may not get to see it right away. Part of the reason why we’re so logical is because we feel things so deeply that if it was let to run loose, we could become devastatingly hurt. I don’t let a lot of people know how I’m truly feeling, especially when I’m hurting or frustrated because it’s a place of intense vulnerability and I find it really hard to express it. Every girl is different, but we are quite complex creatures, so the differences between our emotional states will be varied from time to time. It’s really just a matter of time and feeling really comfortable with you until you get to experience this side. We do want you to, and it is one of the ways that we will really connect with you.

7. Take us out on dates in relatively public places…especially in the beginning. I would say in a private public place though. Somewhere where we are able to have a conversation, get to know you and familiar with you, but also have the feeling of safety of having other people around. I don’t know what it is, but when I’m getting to know a guy, I feel a whole lot more comfortable when I’m in a place where there are lots of people around, but we’re spending time one on one. Classic dates that work really well are dinner and a movie. We’re in a place where there are a lot of people around (security in numbers, my friend) but I’m not spending time with those people, I’m spending time with you, learning about the things you like through conversation and food and you get to learn about me. Then we go to a movie that we both may enjoy, and we get to know what kind of stories interest each other. While we’re not able to talk during the movie, it will give us something to talk about either right after the date, or the next time we see each other, which really helps girls like me connect to you. I will be straight up and tell you that if you decide that the first time we should hang out one on one, with none of our friends around, is in a really private situation, it will freak me out a bit. I probably won’t feel safe and won’t know what to do if I get overwhelmed and feel like I need to escape. While it may seem pretty normal to head to your place to sit and watch a movie there, I guarantee that the whole time my mind will be racing and I won’t be comfortable because to me, that’s too quick of a step.

8. It’s not easy for us to tell you we like you but we do. Words are not always our best friends when it comes to sharing how we feel about you. You may not be showered in comments like, “I think you’re really attractive,” or “I really like you.” There really isn’t an easy way to tell, but if after a while, if we’re still spending time with you, talking with you regularly and we seem at least kind of comfortable, we’re probably still into you. I know myself, and I know that if I start getting a bad vibe or I’m feeling severely uncomfortable, I’m going to make a getaway, and quickly. I will not subject myself to spending my time and energy on someone who makes me unhappy and basically feel like hiding from every time I see them. If after a while I am still there spending time with you and haven’t made a break for it, then I still like having you around. I will eventually start to become more comfortable and affectionate, and tell you things like, “I think you have a cute butt,” or “I really am comfortable with you and like spending time with you.”

9. If something is bothering you, let us know. We don’t want this to be a one sided relationship, we really want to know if something is bothering you because we care about you. If something in the relationship is getting at you, don’t let it fester in your mind until you’re all worked up and really upset. Like anyone, if we don’t know, we can’t help remedy the situation, which may only need a little communication or clarification. I love to learn, especially about the people I let into my life, so when we get to that point, I really want to make things work, so I love hearing what’s on your mind. I’m a natural problem solving kind of person, I like to look at situations in a logical way and try to fix what’s going on so that things will be better for everyone involved. So if you feel like you’re not hearing, “Hey you, you’ve got an incredibly cute butt,” often enough, instead of dwelling on it, let me know. I’ll probably make more of a conscious effort to let you know that I think that.

10. It’s okay for you to show a little bit of vulnerability in the beginning. It makes us feel better, and shows that you’re really making an effort. It may take us a little bit to be able to be vulnerable with you, but when you show a little bit, it let’s us know that you trust us and that we can eventually trust ours with you. If you’ve seen a sad movie and it made you tear up a little bit and you let us know that, you’re giving us the power to potentially hurt you, but because we know about that fear, we would never hold it against you, we would appreciate your courage and honesty.

Not every girl is guarded, but there are those of us who are, and some of these tips and bits of information will probably help you understand us a little bit better. There are so many more things that I could cover, but these are some of the major ones. Girls who are guarded are not fit for everyone, and that’s okay, but I promise you, that if you fall for a girl who is, and you’re really willing to make things work, it will be worth it. The obstacles may be huge, but the connection you will have will be one that rebels those in cheesy romance novels. Just remember, be patient, respectful and honest, and things should be okay. We’re just trying to take care of ourselves in a world that may not have been too kind to us in the past. We all have situations that may have caused us to close up and not let anyone in, and we’re just trying to make it in this world without having to re-live those bad experiences. If you’d like to read about my experiences and why I find it hard to let people in, you can check out my earlier blog post, I’m Sorry, But We’re Having a Connection Problem, and gain a little insight to a very complicated girl.

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8 thoughts on “Tips for Dating a Girl Who is Guarded

  1. Hi Thank you for your insights. Such wonderful read!

    Anyway, the girl i’m with now has very similar personalities as you do and she hasn’t really opened up yet. Her birthday is coming up and I wonder what is the best gift/ideas to give her so that I don’t appear too strong?

    • I hope that it has helped you understand us a little bit better!

      It’s so hard for people to open up sometimes, but I imagine she may have let you see into some of the things she enjoys? Has she talked about any books she has been reading, or movies/shows that she’s really enjoying right now? Listening to the subtle things goes a long way while still remaining not too strong. If you know that she really enjoys reading books, maybe a giftcard to her local bookshop (I find that $25 is the perfect amount. It’s enough to buy a book or go towards a book, and possibly a bookmark), or if there is a movie that is coming out that she mentioned she wanted to see, taking her out to see it together, even if it’s not really your thing. Has she mentioned any hobbies she has? Photography, painting, writing, anything. For me, it’s all about the little things. Big gestures are nice, but empty when they don’t speak to who the person is. Like, for me, taking me out to a fancy restaurant that has a menu of primarily seafood is a really nice gesture, but I don’t really like fish, so it wouldn’t be up my alley. Paying attention and seeing what she likes and using those to fuel ideas for a birthday gift is a thoughtful way to show you care. I hope everything works out for you Y.Parker (:

      • Hi! Thank you so much for your kind words previously. It works wonders! Just to let you know, i got her a gift card which you recommended and we went for a simple movie and dinner date. I also made her a birthday card from hand in which she loved it! Actually, the day went well and she loved it.

        However, there is a concern. We have been just friends for 3 years and only 5 months ago we started dating. We went on 4 dates already. What concerns me is that i dont feel the connection yet. Both of us are comfortable with each other and all but i find she is always distracted(with her phone) when im talking. Im not too sure why cos she has gently said that she likes me. Is that a trait of being a guarded person?

        Also, i dont feel the connection yet because partly because i havent got the feeling that she cares for me enough yet. She has shown bits and pieces that she cares, which is excellent! But not enough yet to make me feel content to say that shes the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Im not too sure if these are one of the traits of being a guarded person.

        I would also like to mention about your realtionship with Ben(on your other post). How did both of you know that you werent right for each other? And how long did it took for either one of you to realise that?

        Thus far, your posts and advices have really helped me a lot! And I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this insight into a guarded girl’s heart. 🙂

        Thank you

  2. >>sorry could you reply to this comment because in the previous comment, i didnt tick the checkbox below to notify me via email. Sorry for your trouble! Thanks again!

    Hi!
    Thank you so much for your kind words previously. It works wonders! Just to let you know, i got her a gift card which you recommended and we went for a simple movie and dinner date. I also made her a birthday card from hand in which she loved it! Actually, the day went well and she loved it.

    However, there is a concern. We have been just friends for 3 years and only 5 months ago we started dating. We went on 4 dates already. What concerns me is that i dont feel the connection yet. Both of us are comfortable with each other and all but i find she is always distracted(with her phone) when im talking. Im not too sure why cos she has gently said that she likes me. Is that a trait of being a guarded person?

    Also, i dont feel the connection yet because partly because i havent got the feeling that she cares for me enough yet. She has shown bits and pieces that she cares, which is excellent! But not enough yet to make me feel content to say that shes the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Im not too sure if these are one of the traits of being a guarded person.

    I would also like to mention about your realtionship with Ben(on your other post). How did both of you know that you werent right for each other? And how long did it took for either one of you to realise that?

    Thus far, your posts and advices have really helped me a lot! And I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this insight into a guarded girl’s heart. 🙂

    Thank you

    • I am so happy to hear that it worked out for you! That makes me extremely happy to hear!

      As for the phone thing, for me, I get anxious and so I’m always playing with my phone when I’m feeling that way. It’s a way for me to get nervous energy out. The last guy I dated pointed it out to me one day, and I apologized and told him it was because I was nervous or anxious. Then when I stopped doing it, he pointed it out again and I told him that I’m comfortable enough that I don’t have all that nervous energy anymore. It might be her defense mechanism to being guarded or anxious and more than likely doesn’t mean anything other then that she is nervous.

      Even if you guys have been friends for 3 years or more and you just start dating, sometimes you still won’t be sure if they’re the person yet. You’ve gotten to know each other in a friendship way for so long, that when shifted into this new territory, it takes time to get to know each other in a romantic way. Sometimes the connection takes a bit, but also, if you don’t feel like it’s working, don’t try and force yourself to have a connection. If it doesn’t come naturally, it might not be right, but everyone is different. The last guy I dated (who I mentioned above) told me that he was falling in love with me rather quickly and early on into our relationship and I about panicked. He said it was fine that I didn’t say it back right away, but he had hoped that I would get there. As a guarded person, I don’t like saying “I love you” because I feel like I have to, because it’s wasted words if I don’t mean it, but also, it creates this expectation that I may not be ready for. It took a while after he told me how he felt for me to say those words back, because I wanted to make sure that I truly meant them, and that I was ready to let my walls down with him.

      I don’t know if Ben knew or not, but for me, I didn’t feel a connection at all and I felt like he liked me a whole lot more than I liked him at the time. It’s natural for one person to like the other more than the other likes them sometimes, and especially in the beginning, but when the gap feels so huge, it makes it hard. If it was a scale of 1-10 (10 being totally into, 1 being not at all) Ben was at about an 8 or 9 in the beginning of our relationship and I was at about a 6. I liked Ben, but his feelings for me as he got to know me as a friend grew faster than my feelings for him when he asked me out. If it’s right, it will hopefully balance itself out, that you can both be at an 8 or a 9, and it takes a little bit of time and patience, but if you’re not close to the same level of affection for each other after a while, that makes it hard.

      I hope that everything continues to work out, and if it doesn’t, things will still be okay. It’s not easy finding the right person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and when you make that commitment, it’s a lot of work, but I hear it’s worth it! Best of luck (:

  3. Hey Bethany,

    Not sure if you still check this anymore but I’ve been seeing a girl for about 2 months now and there was a bit of a panic about a week ago cos she felt all of a sudden that it was all happening too fast and was too intense. I think I may have pushed it too far by telling her how much i like her. As you say in point two she has frozen and shut down. In your experience is this salvageable and if so any tips on what I should be doing?

    Thanks!

    • Hello Chris,
      Yes, I do still check (and get comments on this post, or even private emails too).
      I personally think that it is salvageable. You may have to back up a bit on the intensity with your feelings. My best advice is to reach out and let her know that you’re sorry if you freaked her out a bit, and that you’ll be there waiting because you do care about her. She might just need to collect herself, and also self examine. I wouldn’t constantly tell her that you’re there waiting, it might be over whelming but just a quick, “Hey, I’m sorry if I freaked you out a bit, but if you want me to, I’ll wait a bit for you.” If it’s meant to work out, it will, and if it doesn’t that’s okay too. Us guarded girls live in our minds a lot, so we tend to over think and we just need to examine what is going on and how we’re feeling. There’s also the insecurity part too, where we feel like it might not last.

      I hope that everything works out for you!

      Bethany

  4. Hey Bethany,

    I’d like to ask a question, if you don’t mind?
    I’ve been seeing this wonderful woman, who happens to be quite guarded, for a few months now. We are deployed together and we don’t get much time to hang out, nor is there any privacy. We were making the best of it for a while, then two days ago she just changed everything. She wont let me walk her to her room anymore, we don’t hang out at night anymore because she is “busy,” but when we do see each other we are quite intimate. I asked about it and she says she doesn’t like routine. She never informed me of this, or told me she was going to change her “routine,” but here we are. How should I approach this, and what are these signs? Just a note, she has confessed feelings for me and we are still intimate at the times we get to see each other. Pleas advise…..

    Thank you so much!!

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