Life seems to always be filled with these little situations, little highs and little lows. Things that build us, tear us down and then re-build us. In my twenty-two years of life, I feel like I’m learned a lot, but I also feel that I have learned so little. I have learned to look at things logically, but sometimes, I cannot separate the logical from the emotional, and that is where I am still learning, and I don’t think that I will ever stop.
It’s the classic, heart vs mind game, where you have to have to develop an equilibrium between the two. There are situations where I imagine people think that I’m pretty cold, where I choose to follow the logical rather than the emotional because ultimately, it’s the best for everyone. I think that in some situations, that’s a really good thing, distancing yourself, and looking out for yourself and others. It’s also something that is my downfall in other situations, because where I should be logical, I give into the emotional or when I should be emotional, I give into the logical. It’s an on going battle, and sometimes I make some pretty stupid decisions, and even hurt myself even more than I should.
The last little while has been a constant battle between both sides. There is a time and a place for both, and sometimes I’m not very good at differentiating during the highs and lows. It especially happens more with the lows, which recently, I have been going through and it’s what has brought this post on. I’ve made some small revelations about myself, about the things that happen and how when analyzed, that sometimes the emotional clouds the logical.
You know when something happens that is painful, your mind is telling you, “This is alright, this is for the best.” but, because of the pain and feeling of loss, your heart is saying, “Don’t let go. You still want this.” It could be about anything really, and I find that when these situations arise, I’m always conflicted in beginning, usually giving into the emotional response. You desperately want things to go back to before they were painful, back when things were good and you were happy, but as normal as it all is in the beginning, you really need to move on with your life. Right now, I feel like I’m smack dab in the middle of this transition, and I’m at the teetering point. I could go either way, and right now, I really need to fight for the logical, though it’s so very hard. I have been analyzing my situation, I’ve been thinking about everything that has happened that has lead up to this point, and I have come to an conclusion that I now need to remind myself when the emotional tries to fight it…I deserve better than what happened.
I deserve so much better. I deserve to give myself space to heal, to do things that make me happy and not let my happiness depend how one situation has made me feel. As much as a part of me craves to return to a time when this situation made me feel happy, attractive and liked, looking back on it, a lot of it was superficial and no good. It wasn’t really healthy in a way, because what was going on was something between two very different people who had no business trying to be together. Two people that were so, so incredibly different in ways that didn’t matter, but more importantly in things that did matter. The sad part was, we knew this. It’s hard when you have a strong attraction to someone, and you very well enjoy spending time with them and the little quirks in their personality. In a lot of ways, they were what you were looking for at the time, but then you quickly learn that you are both in very different places in your lives, you have different ideas of what a relationship should be at different stages, you have morals, and experiences that just don’t align.
To be honest, we should have just left it when we first started to have doubts and decided to go our separate ways, but when you let the emotional and attraction cloud the way you see everything, you go forward into the unknowing mist. This is not always a bad thing, and in one way, it wasn’t for us, but in others, it really was. It wasn’t bad because we learned, we really did give it a shot, but from my perspective, I don’t think either one of us gave it everything that we maybe could have. Maybe it was insecurities, selfishness or just not familiar or comfortable with each other, and those are completely valid to a degree, but if you let it go on for too long you get stuck in your ways.
In a lot of ways I had quite a bit of personal growth, learning what I want and what I need in a relationship, if I choose to be in one, and I just didn’t find it where I was looking this last time, and that was okay. Not everyone who decides to walk in, or as I see it sometimes, insert themselves, into my life will be what I’m looking for. I make choices to either let them in or not. It’s all a matter if they make me feel comfortable, safe and if I can trust what comes out of their mouth. I was very lucky in a way with this last one, because even though things did end, we had the type of relationship that was first built on a sort of friendship. When a enough time has passed, giving time to heal and move on from all of the things that really made us not good for each other in a romantic sense, will really help with building a friendship that could last a lifetime…if we both want it to.
The things I have learned about myself with all of this is that if I’m ever going to fall in love, it will have to be with someone who I share some common interests, ideas of what a relationship is, and who have morals that align with mine. Someone who will respect what I choose to do with my body, my hopes, my dreams, and who will respect me in every other aspect of my life. Someone who will have patience with me because of some of the tough life experiences that I have had, and can withstand my little special brand of crazy. It’s never going to be easy, but when it’s right, it will definitely be worth it, and I deserve that much.